Understanding me may be impossible

While it's true, understanding me may be impossible, a little extra information may just help. I'll give it a try and maybe you, my precious family and friends, will . . .we'll srr.

Today we went, as a family more or less. to tour the Draper Temple. I've done this kind fo thing before and franlkey, standing in line for hours just holds no appeal for me. I knew I could go at another time, do a session and seem most everything. Why should I drive two hours (to Draper), stand in line and be cold and frustrated only to drive hours back home?

If I only had myself to consider, I would have stayed home. the Ward Relief Society Birthday Party is on Wednesday and there is so much to do. There are still the triplets, now gestationally almost a month old, adn the family that still need help. and, of course, dwindling volunteers. So, I am helping there too. As a presidency we just cannot make up the whole difference and do as much as been requested. I also promised Ella she could spend the night on Thursday night--it's actually easier without Papa around (imagine that). So, I have plenty to do right here at home. Oh yea, I am taking dinner to a family on Thursday . . .I don't even want to look at the "brain in a bag" or BNB. I am afraid of what I might find. all that on top of the headaches that just will not go away, eyes that are always blurry, and changing pi;;s, to say nothing of Granny. It's no wonder I wasn't excited about the trip.

But, I have two precious sons-in-law and two daughters who have not had the opportunity to go to the temple. This would be one of the few times they could go to the temple and perhaps taste the sweetness of the eternal promises made there. that alone made the trip a real rare and important opportunity. In addition, yesterday was Allen's birthday and Lance's is in two weeks so it was decided that this would be a great time to celebrate--I agreed, and I went. But instead of going to the Temple I volunteered to stay behind and babysit so the ones that really needed to go could manage the whole thing. Remember all that standing in line and . . .It's just miserable when you have sick or tired kids with you. Perhaps it was the experience we had waiting for over four hours in line to see the Logan Temple before the rededication some 30 years ago, at just this time of year in the snow, with three tiny kids, Mary was only a few weeks old, that was bouncing around in the back of my brain that made me so willing to do the babysitting. What ever it was, I knew I was providing a service to my family. I was also able to cook the asperagus, put the salad together, cook the lasagna (Mary had made it, I just cooked it so it would be hot and ready), set up the serving line . . . and, of course change diapers, make bottles, feed the little ones, and hold Tessa almost the whole time, so everything would be ready when the masses finally got home.

I was so blessed that including travel time they were gone 3 hours or so! But that is when things really went down hill. It seems Mary and Allen stopped at Costco to get a birthday cake. She called him when she came out the door so Allen and Benji could pick her up. It was then that her brand new, long awaited, only two day old cell phone slid out of her purse.

Sarah called the phone only to have the service desk at Costco answer the phone and inform her that the phone had been run over by a car and then turned in. Sarah called and told me. I guess I over reacted. the others that had already made it home were sure they had been in a car accident . . . they were releived, it was just a phone. they were right, it was just a phone. It was what would happen to Mary as the result that really was at the heart of my panic.

You see, I have been in very similar situations many times in my married life. And it was NOT fun. You see. allen was really upset by it. He let it ruin his whole party. It didn't matter how many people. especially Mary, had gone out of their way to make this day special for him. No, a pure accident was going to ruin it. AND it would all be Mary's fault. His first worry was, of course, how they didn't have the money to replace the phone. So much like my husband, the money was the issue and it was always my fault money was tight. I was the stupid one that spent too much money and in essence jsut cost him too much money. And I knew it! I was clumbsy, getting hurt form time to time (and that means co-pays) Then there were the illnesses and surgeries and cavities,root canals, and way too many prescriptions. . . .all ofwhich cost him money. And I always felt like a burden, he would have been so much the better without. With his limited ability to express ;ove in terms I appreciate, it's no wonder I've been depressed.

And Mary has struggled with the same kind of things. As we left, Mary was not home yet. I could just see her in the Costco parking lot just sitting in the car crying. knowing when she got homw there would be a mess of dishes to clean up, a frustrated husband (who in spite of my proding, would not even consider calling and trying to see if the company would do anything for them....they put it on the debit card. If it had been on the credit card they would have had some benefits. . .) and after waiting all these years for a new phone. one that had been run over.

Perhaps I was just projecting my pain on to her situation. Oh how I pray that was the situation. But I am afraid, I do not want her to go through years of feeling stupid, clumbsy, and at best a burden.

I spent 10 ears earning a Ph.D. to prove Iwas NOT stupid! That was one thing I could do. I couldn't do anything about my genetically inherited physical problems, maybe I could have taken some kind of grace classes-or avoided more physical activity--and the associated accidents--but walking and gardening, come on! But then that would have just made the weight problems even worse. I don't know what I really could have done. It just really hurts to see my wonderful daughter repeating so many of my trials. they just are not fun.

I love you Mary. I am sorry about the phone. You worked so hard on that whole party thing. the Lasagne was so good! Your house looked GREAT!!! Every inch was perfect, I appreciate how hard that is with a little guy and work and moving. I could never have done it any better. Even your bed was made. I had to close the door to keep the kiddos out. I am so proud of you. I think you are marvelous! You are worth everything, it was just a phone. If I had the money . . . I will love you forever (sorry, that is all I've got) Mom